Unlocking the Doors

One month ago I graduated from Southern Wesleyan University. One month ago I earned a Bachelors of Science in Human Services with minors in Youth Ministry and Psychology. One month ago I walked across a stage and shook Dr. Spittal’s hand and smiled at the sound and sight of dearly loved ones standing and cheering my name. One month ago I said goodbye to some of my most treasured friends, but we will see each other again. No worries. One month ago I packed all of my stuff into two vehicles to come back to North Carolina. When I came to SWU as a freshman, I only filled up one car, and about a fourth of another. It’s crazy how much you accumulate during college. One month ago I realized that I had to actually become an adult.

I am writing this blog realizing that four weeks have gone by, and I feel like a total bum and I am about to go stir crazy not having a schedule. AND, I still haven’t received my diploma. Turns out they had to reorder mine because they ordered a Bachelors of Arts instead of Science for me. This is probably why I still feel like I haven’t officially graduated. I mean, I put alot of money towards that piece of certified paper. Anyways, rant over. So, what have I done this past month? Let’s see…

1. Questioned God’s purpose for my life.
2. Searched online for Charity Cars.
3. Finally finished my “Knowing Jesus Better” Devotional Plan!
4. Helped pack food boxes for Christian Ministries for families in need for Christmas.
5. Enjoyed Christmas by spending time with family that I haven’t literally seen in years.
6. Realized how much I loved working out in a gym setting since I am not able to currently do it. And how much I liked having a set meal schedule.
7. Job searched for positions available in NC and SC. Now considering to be a probation officer or probation case manager sometime in my life.
8. Realized who my true friends are at home, and I am so glad I have all five of them. They should know who they are. Nicole, Brandy, Hilary, Ashton, and Haley…you rock!
9. Played Sims 2 way too much. And have finished rewatching Season 2 & 3 of LOST. Working on rewatching Season 4, and maybe 5 before Feb. 2nd!
10. Working on taking every thought captive for Christ! (2 Corinthians 10:5 “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”)

I have a second interview with a girls home in Spartanburg, SC on Wednesday. The position is a Family Teacher or basically a live-in parent for 8 days at a time for girls ages 11 to 19. I want God’s will to be done, I want to get rid of this doubt and insecurity that I am not in God’s will. Because if I am serving Him, and doing everything in my life to glorify Him, then I know I am in His will. And this opportunity isn’t a job, it is a calling. A calling to bring God’s love to those who are hurting, a calling to serve these young girls and women in whatever way possible. Please pray for me this Wednesday at 10AM.

And for my Filipino family, it is my calling to return to you, some day soon. I miss all of you so much and pray that God is guiding you along your way. Love you!

I used to think that I wanted to stay in North Carolina, and only live a few miles away from home. I used to think I wanted to fall in love young, and even marry my high school sweetheart if I had one. I used to think that being different would make me not like everyone else. I used to think that success was the only thing worth achieving. And success was defined by how much money I would make, who I would marry, and the 2.5 children we would have. And then, something extraordinary happened.
I accepted the wonderful love of Jesus Christ. He has opened my eyes to so many dreams and opportunities that I never would have realized in my provincial thinking. I may get married, but definitely not right now since I want to see some of the world, and interact with unreached people groups, and experience different cultures. My 2.5 children may actually be 5 to 7 children, and some of them will definitely be adopted. I am pretty sure I won’t be living anywhere close to home, but it is home, and I know I can always come back to it. I have seen and heard so many people who I graduated with marry their high school sweethearts, my brother will be one of them in April of 2010. Granted, it comes with the territory of a small town, but God allowed me to realize, that this will not be me. It is not my intention to offend anyone I graduated with, I am happy for you. After all, it is your life, not mine. I just wonder sometimes why I have this mindset? The mindset of not being content living in the same place I grew up in? It is a big world out there!
He has taken me, a North Carolinian small town girl who had no intentions of leaving the state unless on vacation and stretched and transformed me into this young woman who can’t wait to travel the world and reach people for Christ! He started by calling me to Southern Wesleyan University in SC to pursue a degree in Psychology for counseling. He then, narrowed my calling through my years at SWU.

Freshman Year- Psychology degree to counsel people.
Sophomore Year- Picked up a Youth Ministry minor to specifically counsel youth. Come to find out, these youth would be in the inner city and urban poor environments.
Junior Year- Developed a passion for women and children caught in sex trafficking. Changed my major to Human Services. Felt it could better equip me for my calling, and still had enough credits for a minor in Psychology.
Senior Year- Felt the call to pursue counseling inner city youth in missions. In other countries! Also, will be assisting in the fight against human trafficking in other countries.

It is crazy how specific God can be with us when we are listening. It’s funny because sometimes I think he lets me think it was my idea all along, and then I get a big dose of reality, and know that my purpose on this Earth is to serve God for WHO He is! And He has allowed me to see that He wants me to serve Him through counseling youth in other countries in the inner city as well as assisting in the fight against human trafficking. I encourage you to seek your dreams, seek God’s will, and follow Him passionately. As hard as it may be, challenge yourself. Learn something. Realize and become everything you’re meant to be!!!

The title of this blog is a question that more or less hit me in the face a couple of weeks ago. I have been digesting it, avoiding it, reciting it to myself, questioning it (questioning a question, interesting.), just basically all of the above. Think about it. If God was still everything He is now, but in the end when you die, you just stay in your grave, would you still serve Him on this Earth? Is Heaven a reward? Or an incentive? When this question came to me, I wanted to immediately say, “OF COURSE I WOULD STILL SERVE GOD!” But, I didn’t. I struggled with it, and still am struggling with it. I can honestly say that I love serving. I mean, my major is Human Services. But, who am I serving? Am I serving others for the simple fact that it brings joy to God, and brings joy to them as well? Or am I am serving God and others to feel good about myself, and to feel needed?

I have realized over the years that I took on the caretaker role in my family. The peacemaker, the one everyone comes to for resolving problems and frustrations with one another. I have been working on with the help of some wonderful counselors and friends to step away from this role. I have made alot of progress. The point is, since I had been the caretaker for so long, if I am not taking care of someone, I do not feel loved or needed. And that just messes me up, bad.

From the previous post about my mom and stepdad getting a divorce, over Fall break I actually had someone more or less put me in a corner and confronted me about their decision. This person asked me to talk to them and allow them to see what they were doing was wrong. This person also commented that I would have a big influence because they knew my mother looked up to me, spiritually. At first, I got really defensive because they put me in a corner, not cool. But, I took a deep breath, and told this person that I couldn’t do that. This decision did not involve me, it was their decision to make, not mine. I couldn’t smooth things over anymore, I couldn’t fix it. And I wasn’t going to try to. Well, the person got huffy, and asked me if I didn’t care that my family was falling apart. OF COURSE I CARE! I just know that there’s only so much I can do anymore, and getting between them is not it. ANYWAYS…back to the question.

* Credit to Scott Usleman and Tom Harding’s sermons for my next thought process.*
Jesus said, “Come follow me.” He didn’t say to come listen. This involves action, and serving Him shows God that you are indeed His! So many people pray for opportunities to serve, just go do it already! Since God is first in ALL things, serving Him should be your main priority, not how to get to Heaven. God does not call you to be safe. He calls you to be willing. When we base God on our circumstances, our faith in Him is not consistent. This may allow life to be random to you in the sense that you may not expect trials or valleys in your life. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1) God gave us Jesus Christ, He is enough! If God does not answer any more of your prayers, you should still be content. Because He gave us JESUS! Jesus is the base of our faith, not our circumstances. I am not saying you should stop praying by any means. God wants us to pray to Him, He wants that communication with us. But, the point is you shouldn’t expect God to give you things because you think you deserve them. So, in conclusion, I would like to say that I am going to serve God with complete faith. Not to gain favor or a reward, but because of who HE is!!

My heart literally hurts and feels like it has sunk to my feet. I just don’t know how to feel or say to the news I received tonight. I feel like I am in some movie where this is the climax, and we’re all going to be happy again in 30 minutes. But, we’re not. I am graduating in December, and I thought I would be going home for a year or so to work before going to the Philippines. But, no. I won’t be going back to my childhood home, the place I have called home since I was a year old. It is being sold. It is being sold because my family is splitting up. I will admit that I haven’t felt like we’ve been a family for a few years, but I honestly never thought it would come down to this. I’ve been through a divorce once in my life already, but I was too young to really feel this. I was 2. But this time around, it really hurts. This feeling where you want it all to go away and be a bad dream, the feeling where you just wish for once in your life, you could have something go right. The feeling where you just want a Dad to love your mom, you, and your brothers for who you are, and nothing else. Why can’t I have that? Why have I been denied having a Daddy? Someone I can run up to whether I am hurting or happy and just wrap my arms around their neck and have them twirl me around. It is kind of ironic that this is happening now because I definitely just started the process of calling my biological father to try and start a relationship with him.

So, what now? Do I tough this out like everything else in my life? Or can I actually be a human being for once, and feel? Can I throw off this mask of self control and composure, and just cry my eyes out? My God, my one true Father, I am at a loss for words. I do not understand how it got this bad. I have a good feeling how it did, but it has really come down to this, hasn’t it? I know your heart is hurting even more, and I need your comfort. I am wrapping my arms around your neck. Because you love me for just who I am. No strings attached.

Philippines Video from Elizabeth Propst on Vimeo.

WOW! I haven’t updated since March. I am such a slacker. I did try to do a video blog before leaving for the Philippines however it would not upload for some reason. Yes, the Philippines!! Now, this update will be about the Philippines.

From June 11th to June 26th, I was able to experience the urban environment of Metro Manila in Makati City. I stayed at a place called the Center which was home to several of the pastors of LJBC (Lord Jesus Bible Church) and their families. I went to the Philippines through International Teams, and this is where they placed me after I said I wanted to help with Urban Poor and Youth Ministries. I really can’t express with words how this trip changed me, or should I say how God changed me with this trip. So, here is a list of a few things that I experienced while in the Philippines…

1) Bathed with just a barrel of water and a ladel.
2) Taught kids their ABCs.
3) Went to the Mall of Asia.
4) Helped kids in the Tutor Center.
5) Rode on a motorbike.
6) Rode in a sidecar.
7) Led a Youth Fellowship on a Sunday night. Had some help with translation though.
Had my feet cleaned at a Fish Spa.
9) Went to Youth Visitations to some of the poorer parts of the city.
10) Ate fish that was cooked whole, bone and all. Didn’t eat the bone obviously.
11) Ate some of the sweetest mangoes I have ever had!
12) Stayed overnight at a beach resort that was about 4 hours away. Amazing!!
13) Saw some of Manila’s history. Jose’ Rizal was an inspiration!
14) Went to 2 Sunday services at LJBC, and felt God’s presence in another language. Awesome!
15) Learned some Tagalog words. Gwapo, maganda, makulit, etc.
16) Made some of the closest friends, and know that my other family is those of LJBC!

So, this will be a new post on here, but this has actually been taken from my old blog on Xanga. This post was on January 28th, 2004. I became a Christian on February 15th, 2004. It may seem like a bunch of words, and it is, but I can still feel the gut-wrenching honesty and searching I was venting in these words. Let me know what you think.

Hidden. Transparent. Uneasy. Question. Lies. Doubtful. Shroud. Snow. Drift Away. Reunion. Death. Confront. Never Again. Fear of crying. Inferior. Exterior. Memory. Love. Cold. Music. Confused. Dark. Ice. Blackhole. Sore Muscles. Tattered Heart. Distant. Reaching Out. Guitar Solos. Attached. Surprise. Maturity. Rough. Talent. Quality. Intermix. Hold Hands. Guidance. Rejection. Disappointment. Push away. Wounds. Physical. Purple. Soothing. Rage. Vanity. Screams. Pull Toward. Reality. Insane. Chance. Blood. Shattered Bones. Stupidity. Shallow. Victim. Prey or Predator? Abuse. Max Volume. Wonder. Valley or Mountain? Twisted. Expect. Smoldering. Direction.

And at the time I was calling myself a punk. So, I did the punk thing by writing these on a plain t-shirt with a black sharpie and wore it to school the next day. My friends told me that it was the sh*t, and it was f*cking awesome. I mean because that’s what you do when you’re 16. You cuss because it’s cool, right? I know I certainly did. So, this is just a glimpse of what I used to be like. Feel free to read more entries from my Xanga. You can actually see the transformation of God’s awesome love in the entries after Feburary 15th, 2004 and how I was desperately seeking before.

Sorry about the lag! I look like a really bad Bruce Lee movie, which I watched alot of those growing up. Anyways, please look over that minor detail.