Unlocking the Doors

It’s been over a year… August 27, 2011

Well, it’s been over a year since I have blogged. I am not sure if anyone is even still blogging. Doesn’t matter, still going to write this. Alot has happened since my last post.

1) My niece Zoey was born on January 29th, 2011. She is almost 7 months old, and she is my world right now. I love her so much and she is so precious to me.

2) I had tonsil surgery in February and got those bad boys out! For those who know me well enough, I had some pretty large tonsils, and with my current insurance I was able to have them taken out and it’s wonderful!

3) My stepdad died of a massive quariny heart attack on July 10th. He and my mom had been separated for a year and a half, and I didn’t have the best relationship with him, but he was still in my life for 20+ years, and was more of a dad to me than my biological one. There are some really great memories in my heart that I have with him. I wish I would have been able to tell him that I had forgiven him for everything, and that I hoped he could forgive me one day, but that doesn’t matter now, since he is in Heaven. RIP Michael William Thomson. 9/5/63-7/10/11.

4) I am having my gallbladder taken out on September 1st. I wasn’t crazy about having 2 surgeries in 1 year, but thanks to my insurance 90% of this surgery will be paid since I met my deductible with my tonsil surgery. Had to go to the ER to find out I had gall stones due to some horrible pain, but just glad I didn’t have to have emergency surgery.

5) Since Michael has passed, Mom has to handle his estate since they were still technically married. There is a possibility of us moving back into the house. I remember Mom asked me when we first found out, if I would move back into the house. I said only if Ty Pennington was in the driveway. However, it is more of a reality now, and I know my mom would like to have a place of her own and a home for her grandchildren to come play. The house was originally hers anyway, so I feel it is rightfully hers. It just needs alot of work done to it, and money for that is nonexistent. So, I am researching government grants to see what I can do.

This is what has been going on for the past year more or less. And I can say, that God has been so good. Through surgery, through tragedy, through jumping hoops with legal matters. God is still good. Thank you for your peace, Jesus.

Spare Change anyone? June 26, 2010

A lot has changed since my last post. And in positive ways. Still dealing with some insecurities, but I have been able to laugh and smile alot since everything went down in March, and I am so grateful for that. I thank God for my family, and many friends who love me continually. I thank God for Jesus. He is bringing things to the surface and making me deal with them, as much as I don’t want to, I know it’s needed. For example, I am working at a company called FiServ doing Check Returns. I work Monday thru Friday, 7:00AM to 3:30PM. Despite having 2 office jobs during college, I am not one to really sit at a desk for 8 hours a day. We have goals we have to meet by 90 days in order to get a raise. Well, I started in May and there are people that have already well exceeded these goals. As for me, I am right on track with the ramp up period. I am right where I am supposed to be in how many checks I work in a day. BUT, because of my perfectionist mannerisms, I sometimes question my ability and methods. AND this is where God is dealing with me the most. I will never be perfect living in a fallen world and where did I ever get the idea that I had to be?

Back in January the night before I went to my training for the girls home, I mentioned to my friends that I was nervous. One of them who I’ve been friends with since 1st grade said, “I didn’t know you got nervous.” That has stuck with me since it was said. I get nervous alot more than people realize, and that’s what hit me in the face. What am I doing outwardly that portrays total confidence when inwardly I am scared out of my mind?! When did I become all about appearing to be “perfectly” fine? Well, I’m not fine. We’re always our own worst enemies when it comes to figuring out our strengths and gifts God has given us. I have really been searching, and will continue to search and affirm in God that my gift is what I think it is. I know some people get a little eerie about God giving gifts and it sounds like an X-Men movie waiting to happen, but anyways. Encourager. Encouraging. Encouragement. I feel as though this is my gift, and I am going to use it for the glory of God! Encouraging through listening, providing, loving, motivating. As much as I think I want to or could be a leader, I don’t think it’s what I should be doing. Leadership feeds my perfectionist mannerisms. And that’s just me being completely honest.

“May the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, My Rock and my Redeemer.”- Psalm 19:14

*More to come later about God bringing me back home to North Carolina.*

And Reality hits… April 13, 2010

I am not sure how to start this blog. I just keep reading what I posted before this one, and how confident I was. Alot has happened between this blog and the previous. I got the job at the girls’ home after my second interview and started on Feb. 1st. However, as of March 14th, I left the girls home. I quit. I allowed myself too little margin to fail. To fail is to learn, I am learning that now. I allowed myself to become too overwhelmed, and too stressed out. I compared myself to fellow employees who had been working in this type of environment longer than me. I allowed things to happen that shouldn’t have. I didn’t give myself adequate time to just allow my brain to think about other things than what needed to be done. The point is I feel like a total failure. I’ve failed God, the girls at the home, myself, and so many people I treasure; family, friends, professors, etc. I just don’t know what to think of myself. Everything is coming to the surface, and insecurities I had been working on and fighting are coming back full force. WHO AM I? What are the gifts God has given me to achieve purpose in this life? What if the voice of God was just me convincing myself it was God? All these questions have crossed my mind.

I still have dreams. The dreams I know God has instilled within me to achieve. Honestly, I am struggling now to keep those dreams alive because of my choice, but I know they are still there. I do have a job, I am working in the same restaurant my mom works at. I wash dishes and do prep work for the cooks. It is definitely a humbling experience, and I am very thankful for the job. God is in the process of breaking me and bringing me to my knees. Something that I have come to realize is that I hold myself to such a high standard, that even when I do achieve something, I beat myself up for not doing better. I am trying to figure out exactly when and how I became this way. But it struck me that I am the only one in my family with a bachelor’s degree yet I didn’t really feel like I had achieved anything because I had missed Cum Laude by .1. How silly is that? I HAVE A 4 YEAR DEGREE! That is something to be proud of.

I just want to thank everyone who loves me and supports me. I love you all so very much. I am so very humbled by God, and allowing him to control my life. It’s so easy to take the reins instead of admitting that I am completely dependent on Him. So, here’s to becoming completely broken, and completely restored…

One Month Ago January 11, 2010

One month ago I graduated from Southern Wesleyan University. One month ago I earned a Bachelors of Science in Human Services with minors in Youth Ministry and Psychology. One month ago I walked across a stage and shook Dr. Spittal’s hand and smiled at the sound and sight of dearly loved ones standing and cheering my name. One month ago I said goodbye to some of my most treasured friends, but we will see each other again. No worries. One month ago I packed all of my stuff into two vehicles to come back to North Carolina. When I came to SWU as a freshman, I only filled up one car, and about a fourth of another. It’s crazy how much you accumulate during college. One month ago I realized that I had to actually become an adult.

I am writing this blog realizing that four weeks have gone by, and I feel like a total bum and I am about to go stir crazy not having a schedule. AND, I still haven’t received my diploma. Turns out they had to reorder mine because they ordered a Bachelors of Arts instead of Science for me. This is probably why I still feel like I haven’t officially graduated. I mean, I put alot of money towards that piece of certified paper. Anyways, rant over. So, what have I done this past month? Let’s see…

1. Questioned God’s purpose for my life.
2. Searched online for Charity Cars.
3. Finally finished my “Knowing Jesus Better” Devotional Plan!
4. Helped pack food boxes for Christian Ministries for families in need for Christmas.
5. Enjoyed Christmas by spending time with family that I haven’t literally seen in years.
6. Realized how much I loved working out in a gym setting since I am not able to currently do it. And how much I liked having a set meal schedule.
7. Job searched for positions available in NC and SC. Now considering to be a probation officer or probation case manager sometime in my life.
8. Realized who my true friends are at home, and I am so glad I have all five of them. They should know who they are. Nicole, Brandy, Hilary, Ashton, and Haley…you rock!
9. Played Sims 2 way too much. And have finished rewatching Season 2 & 3 of LOST. Working on rewatching Season 4, and maybe 5 before Feb. 2nd!
10. Working on taking every thought captive for Christ! (2 Corinthians 10:5 “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”)

I have a second interview with a girls home in Spartanburg, SC on Wednesday. The position is a Family Teacher or basically a live-in parent for 8 days at a time for girls ages 11 to 19. I want God’s will to be done, I want to get rid of this doubt and insecurity that I am not in God’s will. Because if I am serving Him, and doing everything in my life to glorify Him, then I know I am in His will. And this opportunity isn’t a job, it is a calling. A calling to bring God’s love to those who are hurting, a calling to serve these young girls and women in whatever way possible. Please pray for me this Wednesday at 10AM.

And for my Filipino family, it is my calling to return to you, some day soon. I miss all of you so much and pray that God is guiding you along your way. Love you!

I Used to Think… December 16, 2009

I used to think that I wanted to stay in North Carolina, and only live a few miles away from home. I used to think I wanted to fall in love young, and even marry my high school sweetheart if I had one. I used to think that being different would make me not like everyone else. I used to think that success was the only thing worth achieving. And success was defined by how much money I would make, who I would marry, and the 2.5 children we would have. And then, something extraordinary happened.
I accepted the wonderful love of Jesus Christ. He has opened my eyes to so many dreams and opportunities that I never would have realized in my provincial thinking. I may get married, but definitely not right now since I want to see some of the world, and interact with unreached people groups, and experience different cultures. My 2.5 children may actually be 5 to 7 children, and some of them will definitely be adopted. I am pretty sure I won’t be living anywhere close to home, but it is home, and I know I can always come back to it. I have seen and heard so many people who I graduated with marry their high school sweethearts, my brother will be one of them in April of 2010. Granted, it comes with the territory of a small town, but God allowed me to realize, that this will not be me. It is not my intention to offend anyone I graduated with, I am happy for you. After all, it is your life, not mine. I just wonder sometimes why I have this mindset? The mindset of not being content living in the same place I grew up in? It is a big world out there!
He has taken me, a North Carolinian small town girl who had no intentions of leaving the state unless on vacation and stretched and transformed me into this young woman who can’t wait to travel the world and reach people for Christ! He started by calling me to Southern Wesleyan University in SC to pursue a degree in Psychology for counseling. He then, narrowed my calling through my years at SWU.

Freshman Year- Psychology degree to counsel people.
Sophomore Year- Picked up a Youth Ministry minor to specifically counsel youth. Come to find out, these youth would be in the inner city and urban poor environments.
Junior Year- Developed a passion for women and children caught in sex trafficking. Changed my major to Human Services. Felt it could better equip me for my calling, and still had enough credits for a minor in Psychology.
Senior Year- Felt the call to pursue counseling inner city youth in missions. In other countries! Also, will be assisting in the fight against human trafficking in other countries.

It is crazy how specific God can be with us when we are listening. It’s funny because sometimes I think he lets me think it was my idea all along, and then I get a big dose of reality, and know that my purpose on this Earth is to serve God for WHO He is! And He has allowed me to see that He wants me to serve Him through counseling youth in other countries in the inner city as well as assisting in the fight against human trafficking. I encourage you to seek your dreams, seek God’s will, and follow Him passionately. As hard as it may be, challenge yourself. Learn something. Realize and become everything you’re meant to be!!!

Would You Still Serve God if There Wasn’t a Heaven? November 2, 2009

The title of this blog is a question that more or less hit me in the face a couple of weeks ago. I have been digesting it, avoiding it, reciting it to myself, questioning it (questioning a question, interesting.), just basically all of the above. Think about it. If God was still everything He is now, but in the end when you die, you just stay in your grave, would you still serve Him on this Earth? Is Heaven a reward? Or an incentive? When this question came to me, I wanted to immediately say, “OF COURSE I WOULD STILL SERVE GOD!” But, I didn’t. I struggled with it, and still am struggling with it. I can honestly say that I love serving. I mean, my major is Human Services. But, who am I serving? Am I serving others for the simple fact that it brings joy to God, and brings joy to them as well? Or am I am serving God and others to feel good about myself, and to feel needed?

I have realized over the years that I took on the caretaker role in my family. The peacemaker, the one everyone comes to for resolving problems and frustrations with one another. I have been working on with the help of some wonderful counselors and friends to step away from this role. I have made alot of progress. The point is, since I had been the caretaker for so long, if I am not taking care of someone, I do not feel loved or needed. And that just messes me up, bad.

From the previous post about my mom and stepdad getting a divorce, over Fall break I actually had someone more or less put me in a corner and confronted me about their decision. This person asked me to talk to them and allow them to see what they were doing was wrong. This person also commented that I would have a big influence because they knew my mother looked up to me, spiritually. At first, I got really defensive because they put me in a corner, not cool. But, I took a deep breath, and told this person that I couldn’t do that. This decision did not involve me, it was their decision to make, not mine. I couldn’t smooth things over anymore, I couldn’t fix it. And I wasn’t going to try to. Well, the person got huffy, and asked me if I didn’t care that my family was falling apart. OF COURSE I CARE! I just know that there’s only so much I can do anymore, and getting between them is not it. ANYWAYS…back to the question.

* Credit to Scott Usleman and Tom Harding’s sermons for my next thought process.*
Jesus said, “Come follow me.” He didn’t say to come listen. This involves action, and serving Him shows God that you are indeed His! So many people pray for opportunities to serve, just go do it already! Since God is first in ALL things, serving Him should be your main priority, not how to get to Heaven. God does not call you to be safe. He calls you to be willing. When we base God on our circumstances, our faith in Him is not consistent. This may allow life to be random to you in the sense that you may not expect trials or valleys in your life. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1) God gave us Jesus Christ, He is enough! If God does not answer any more of your prayers, you should still be content. Because He gave us JESUS! Jesus is the base of our faith, not our circumstances. I am not saying you should stop praying by any means. God wants us to pray to Him, He wants that communication with us. But, the point is you shouldn’t expect God to give you things because you think you deserve them. So, in conclusion, I would like to say that I am going to serve God with complete faith. Not to gain favor or a reward, but because of who HE is!!

What now? September 21, 2009

My heart literally hurts and feels like it has sunk to my feet. I just don’t know how to feel or say to the news I received tonight. I feel like I am in some movie where this is the climax, and we’re all going to be happy again in 30 minutes. But, we’re not. I am graduating in December, and I thought I would be going home for a year or so to work before going to the Philippines. But, no. I won’t be going back to my childhood home, the place I have called home since I was a year old. It is being sold. It is being sold because my family is splitting up. I will admit that I haven’t felt like we’ve been a family for a few years, but I honestly never thought it would come down to this. I’ve been through a divorce once in my life already, but I was too young to really feel this. I was 2. But this time around, it really hurts. This feeling where you want it all to go away and be a bad dream, the feeling where you just wish for once in your life, you could have something go right. The feeling where you just want a Dad to love your mom, you, and your brothers for who you are, and nothing else. Why can’t I have that? Why have I been denied having a Daddy? Someone I can run up to whether I am hurting or happy and just wrap my arms around their neck and have them twirl me around. It is kind of ironic that this is happening now because I definitely just started the process of calling my biological father to try and start a relationship with him.

So, what now? Do I tough this out like everything else in my life? Or can I actually be a human being for once, and feel? Can I throw off this mask of self control and composure, and just cry my eyes out? My God, my one true Father, I am at a loss for words. I do not understand how it got this bad. I have a good feeling how it did, but it has really come down to this, hasn’t it? I know your heart is hurting even more, and I need your comfort. I am wrapping my arms around your neck. Because you love me for just who I am. No strings attached.

Video Blog #3 July 25, 2009

My video of the Philippines! July 15, 2009

Philippines Video from Elizabeth Propst on Vimeo.

Finally! July 4, 2009

WOW! I haven’t updated since March. I am such a slacker. I did try to do a video blog before leaving for the Philippines however it would not upload for some reason. Yes, the Philippines!! Now, this update will be about the Philippines.

From June 11th to June 26th, I was able to experience the urban environment of Metro Manila in Makati City. I stayed at a place called the Center which was home to several of the pastors of LJBC (Lord Jesus Bible Church) and their families. I went to the Philippines through International Teams, and this is where they placed me after I said I wanted to help with Urban Poor and Youth Ministries. I really can’t express with words how this trip changed me, or should I say how God changed me with this trip. So, here is a list of a few things that I experienced while in the Philippines…

1) Bathed with just a barrel of water and a ladel.
2) Taught kids their ABCs.
3) Went to the Mall of Asia.
4) Helped kids in the Tutor Center.
5) Rode on a motorbike.
6) Rode in a sidecar.
7) Led a Youth Fellowship on a Sunday night. Had some help with translation though.
8) Had my feet cleaned at a Fish Spa.
9) Went to Youth Visitations to some of the poorer parts of the city.
10) Ate fish that was cooked whole, bone and all. Didn’t eat the bone obviously.
11) Ate some of the sweetest mangoes I have ever had!
12) Stayed overnight at a beach resort that was about 4 hours away. Amazing!!
13) Saw some of Manila’s history. Jose’ Rizal was an inspiration!
14) Went to 2 Sunday services at LJBC, and felt God’s presence in another language. Awesome!
15) Learned some Tagalog words. Gwapo, maganda, makulit, etc.
16) Made some of the closest friends, and know that my other family is those of LJBC!