Unlocking the Doors

How do I explain this life of mine? I have allowed everyone in my life to influence my thinking and instead of being honest with myself, I’ve lied. I can never give into true and raw emotion because I respond to situations and circumstances according to how everyone else would see fit. That way, questions don’t get asked. Usually before I typed blogs, I would sit and think about how other people would react to my words and instead of honest feelings, a few words of tender vulnerability would surface which were then overwhelmed with ultimate confidence so that everyone could see that I had already had everything taken care of. There are a few select people in my life that have read my book for what it really is. They look past the fiction I try to feed them, embrace my broken pieces, and love me. They love me with no condition, but just because of who I am. And, to rip a line from Relient K, who I am hates who I’ve been. Who I’ve been is a stone wall that allows everyone to lean on her not because I earnestly want to help them, but because it feels great to be needed. Who I am, who I really am…is just a little girl scared out of her mind. I’m just a little girl who wouldn’t know what to do if she had to deal with her own problems instead of taking on everyone else’s. I’m just a little girl who wants a happy ending and a happy life along the way and who simply pretends that the people who steal away her happiness don’t exist. That is so much easier. But, then I would be playing a kid’s game. It is with God that I am able to love myself, wounds, weaknesses, and all. Jesus is making my heart whole again. I’m facing my problems with strength and perseverance, and people with grace and tenderness. So, I say this in complete and utter confidence. I DON’T have everything taken care of!

Even though this book of my life has a happy ending (because it’s not going to end when I die!), not every chapter is filled with rainbows and butterflies. And that’s just me being honest.

Some good news though, I am going to be working at the Hephzibah Children’s Home this summer in Macon, GA. 9 straight weeks of CAMP! Definitely my element.