Unlocking the Doors

Sometimes, I wish I was a troubled child with a drug addiction, drinking problem or something so I could have an excuse for this void. This feeling of absolutely nothing. But none of those things tempt me, so why should they go on my rep for being a good christian? Can you really be a good christian? Define good for me please. I just feel sick. Sick of myself? It’s just that feeling at the pit of my stomach I can’t shake and can’t explain. Anyways…

My day today was routed a little differently than expected. Today was Mother’s Day, and I went to Bessemer City because well, that is my home church now. As expected, my mom asked me if I wanted to go with her to Maiden the night before, and I just looked at her. I chose my timing and wording very carefully. I told her no, and I was expecting the hurt look deep rooted in those carolina blue eyes of hers to surface. But, it didn’t. She nodded her head slowly, and I told her that I felt like Maiden Wesleyan was where she needed to be, but not me. And that beautiful smile surfaced on her face, and I knew we had finally come to an understanding about this whole church thing.

Well, I thought I was just going to hang out with Jon and Tommy for the afternoon, but my mom texted me and said the family was going to Ruby Tuesday’s in Hickory, that they were leaving and just to meet them there. Apparently, I had a misunderstanding with her about lunch, so I left Bessemer to head to Hickory. And I got to drive through what I felt like was a monsoon! Everyone had their emergency flashers on and at first I was kind of scared. Scared and just waiting for the worst to happen. Well, that’s where God stepped in. I just felt this wave of ease come over me and I drove in that weather as if I drove through it everyday. I was even able to admire the beauty of it, which was awesome.

So, I got to Ruby Tuesday’s and automatically felt like the odd man out. My family just looked at me like I had betrayed them all. It was really weird, and I was just trying to shake it off, but they were waiting at the bar for a table, and my mom makes the comment, you can sit at the end. Okay? Turns out they were all upset with me because they wanted to carpool in my van so that we only had to use one vehicle. It got better when we got a booth, but for those 20 minutes at the bar I sat in silence desperately wanting to leave. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and I know they love me, but things have continually gone downhill since I left for college and the church split. AND I feel like it’s ALL my fault.

I know I am where I am supposed to be, but I am tired of being hounded for not supporting the family by father figures and nagged for never having money. I’m a college student. I’m broke. Get over it, please and just LOVE me for who I am, please.

And I’ll run to you. My refuge, my solid rock.
Even when the fog is thick and choking me.
Even when my enemies get the best of me.
I’ll run to you…

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Close your eyes, Have no fear,
The monsters gone, he’s on the run
and your daddy’s here.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy,
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy,

Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way, it’s getting better and better,

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy,
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy,

Out on the ocean, ship sailing away
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we’ll just have to be patient
Cause it’s a long way to go, a hard row to hoe
Yes it’s a long way to go, but in the meantime,

Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is just what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans,

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy,
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy,

Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way, it’s getting better and better,
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy,
Darling, darling, darling, darling Sean.
Goodnight Sean, see you in the morning.

–John Lennon