And Reality hits… April 13, 2010
Posted by Liz in Uncategorized.trackback
I am not sure how to start this blog. I just keep reading what I posted before this one, and how confident I was. Alot has happened between this blog and the previous. I got the job at the girls’ home after my second interview and started on Feb. 1st. However, as of March 14th, I left the girls home. I quit. I allowed myself too little margin to fail. To fail is to learn, I am learning that now. I allowed myself to become too overwhelmed, and too stressed out. I compared myself to fellow employees who had been working in this type of environment longer than me. I allowed things to happen that shouldn’t have. I didn’t give myself adequate time to just allow my brain to think about other things than what needed to be done. The point is I feel like a total failure. I’ve failed God, the girls at the home, myself, and so many people I treasure; family, friends, professors, etc. I just don’t know what to think of myself. Everything is coming to the surface, and insecurities I had been working on and fighting are coming back full force. WHO AM I? What are the gifts God has given me to achieve purpose in this life? What if the voice of God was just me convincing myself it was God? All these questions have crossed my mind.
I still have dreams. The dreams I know God has instilled within me to achieve. Honestly, I am struggling now to keep those dreams alive because of my choice, but I know they are still there. I do have a job, I am working in the same restaurant my mom works at. I wash dishes and do prep work for the cooks. It is definitely a humbling experience, and I am very thankful for the job. God is in the process of breaking me and bringing me to my knees. Something that I have come to realize is that I hold myself to such a high standard, that even when I do achieve something, I beat myself up for not doing better. I am trying to figure out exactly when and how I became this way. But it struck me that I am the only one in my family with a bachelor’s degree yet I didn’t really feel like I had achieved anything because I had missed Cum Laude by .1. How silly is that? I HAVE A 4 YEAR DEGREE! That is something to be proud of.
I just want to thank everyone who loves me and supports me. I love you all so very much. I am so very humbled by God, and allowing him to control my life. It’s so easy to take the reins instead of admitting that I am completely dependent on Him. So, here’s to becoming completely broken, and completely restored…
Sorry it did not work out in Spartanburg, but something will work out.I have confidence in you.
In thinking about your years at SWU, you forgot all the hub-bub caused by your Confederate flag video. That ought to be a highlight in anybody’s book.
Liz,
You have such a big heart… a heart for God and a heart for others. Do not think of this as a failure. You didn’t fail, because you’re still learning from the experience. God will bring opportunities along. Sometimes, these opportunities are a chance for us to remember that we could not live without his help. I pray that God continues to work in your heart through all of this. You are an amazing woman of God and I hope that NOTHING would stop you from becoming all that God desires for you to be. Love you and praying for you!
Hello Liss,
God is always good no matter who we are and what we are. He works in ways we don’t understand just to bring us closer again.
I have my share of what you feel… sometimes its gone and sometimes comes back. Good things in any and every situation I am in… God is there. I know that He is with you too.
God bless!
xoxo
Carmel (a friend from the Phils.)
all i’ll say is this…
I LOVE YOU & HE LOVES YOU MORE THAN ME!!
i miss you something fierce! we need to have a skype date soon…it sounds like we have a lot of catching up to do – b/c i know there’s a lot on my end as well. i love you & i’m praying hardcore!
~ your J-land friend