Unlocking the Doors

Spare Change anyone? June 26, 2010

A lot has changed since my last post. And in positive ways. Still dealing with some insecurities, but I have been able to laugh and smile alot since everything went down in March, and I am so grateful for that. I thank God for my family, and many friends who love me continually. I thank God for Jesus. He is bringing things to the surface and making me deal with them, as much as I don’t want to, I know it’s needed. For example, I am working at a company called FiServ doing Check Returns. I work Monday thru Friday, 7:00AM to 3:30PM. Despite having 2 office jobs during college, I am not one to really sit at a desk for 8 hours a day. We have goals we have to meet by 90 days in order to get a raise. Well, I started in May and there are people that have already well exceeded these goals. As for me, I am right on track with the ramp up period. I am right where I am supposed to be in how many checks I work in a day. BUT, because of my perfectionist mannerisms, I sometimes question my ability and methods. AND this is where God is dealing with me the most. I will never be perfect living in a fallen world and where did I ever get the idea that I had to be?

Back in January the night before I went to my training for the girls home, I mentioned to my friends that I was nervous. One of them who I’ve been friends with since 1st grade said, “I didn’t know you got nervous.” That has stuck with me since it was said. I get nervous alot more than people realize, and that’s what hit me in the face. What am I doing outwardly that portrays total confidence when inwardly I am scared out of my mind?! When did I become all about appearing to be “perfectly” fine? Well, I’m not fine. We’re always our own worst enemies when it comes to figuring out our strengths and gifts God has given us. I have really been searching, and will continue to search and affirm in God that my gift is what I think it is. I know some people get a little eerie about God giving gifts and it sounds like an X-Men movie waiting to happen, but anyways. Encourager. Encouraging. Encouragement. I feel as though this is my gift, and I am going to use it for the glory of God! Encouraging through listening, providing, loving, motivating. As much as I think I want to or could be a leader, I don’t think it’s what I should be doing. Leadership feeds my perfectionist mannerisms. And that’s just me being completely honest.

“May the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, My Rock and my Redeemer.”- Psalm 19:14

*More to come later about God bringing me back home to North Carolina.*