The title of this blog is a question that more or less hit me in the face a couple of weeks ago. I have been digesting it, avoiding it, reciting it to myself, questioning it (questioning a question, interesting.), just basically all of the above. Think about it. If God was still everything He is now, but in the end when you die, you just stay in your grave, would you still serve Him on this Earth? Is Heaven a reward? Or an incentive? When this question came to me, I wanted to immediately say, “OF COURSE I WOULD STILL SERVE GOD!” But, I didn’t. I struggled with it, and still am struggling with it. I can honestly say that I love serving. I mean, my major is Human Services. But, who am I serving? Am I serving others for the simple fact that it brings joy to God, and brings joy to them as well? Or am I am serving God and others to feel good about myself, and to feel needed?

I have realized over the years that I took on the caretaker role in my family. The peacemaker, the one everyone comes to for resolving problems and frustrations with one another. I have been working on with the help of some wonderful counselors and friends to step away from this role. I have made alot of progress. The point is, since I had been the caretaker for so long, if I am not taking care of someone, I do not feel loved or needed. And that just messes me up, bad.

From the previous post about my mom and stepdad getting a divorce, over Fall break I actually had someone more or less put me in a corner and confronted me about their decision. This person asked me to talk to them and allow them to see what they were doing was wrong. This person also commented that I would have a big influence because they knew my mother looked up to me, spiritually. At first, I got really defensive because they put me in a corner, not cool. But, I took a deep breath, and told this person that I couldn’t do that. This decision did not involve me, it was their decision to make, not mine. I couldn’t smooth things over anymore, I couldn’t fix it. And I wasn’t going to try to. Well, the person got huffy, and asked me if I didn’t care that my family was falling apart. OF COURSE I CARE! I just know that there’s only so much I can do anymore, and getting between them is not it. ANYWAYS…back to the question.

* Credit to Scott Usleman and Tom Harding’s sermons for my next thought process.*
Jesus said, “Come follow me.” He didn’t say to come listen. This involves action, and serving Him shows God that you are indeed His! So many people pray for opportunities to serve, just go do it already! Since God is first in ALL things, serving Him should be your main priority, not how to get to Heaven. God does not call you to be safe. He calls you to be willing. When we base God on our circumstances, our faith in Him is not consistent. This may allow life to be random to you in the sense that you may not expect trials or valleys in your life. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1) God gave us Jesus Christ, He is enough! If God does not answer any more of your prayers, you should still be content. Because He gave us JESUS! Jesus is the base of our faith, not our circumstances. I am not saying you should stop praying by any means. God wants us to pray to Him, He wants that communication with us. But, the point is you shouldn’t expect God to give you things because you think you deserve them. So, in conclusion, I would like to say that I am going to serve God with complete faith. Not to gain favor or a reward, but because of who HE is!!

My heart literally hurts and feels like it has sunk to my feet. I just don’t know how to feel or say to the news I received tonight. I feel like I am in some movie where this is the climax, and we’re all going to be happy again in 30 minutes. But, we’re not. I am graduating in December, and I thought I would be going home for a year or so to work before going to the Philippines. But, no. I won’t be going back to my childhood home, the place I have called home since I was a year old. It is being sold. It is being sold because my family is splitting up. I will admit that I haven’t felt like we’ve been a family for a few years, but I honestly never thought it would come down to this. I’ve been through a divorce once in my life already, but I was too young to really feel this. I was 2. But this time around, it really hurts. This feeling where you want it all to go away and be a bad dream, the feeling where you just wish for once in your life, you could have something go right. The feeling where you just want a Dad to love your mom, you, and your brothers for who you are, and nothing else. Why can’t I have that? Why have I been denied having a Daddy? Someone I can run up to whether I am hurting or happy and just wrap my arms around their neck and have them twirl me around. It is kind of ironic that this is happening now because I definitely just started the process of calling my biological father to try and start a relationship with him.

So, what now? Do I tough this out like everything else in my life? Or can I actually be a human being for once, and feel? Can I throw off this mask of self control and composure, and just cry my eyes out? My God, my one true Father, I am at a loss for words. I do not understand how it got this bad. I have a good feeling how it did, but it has really come down to this, hasn’t it? I know your heart is hurting even more, and I need your comfort. I am wrapping my arms around your neck. Because you love me for just who I am. No strings attached.

Philippines Video from Elizabeth Propst on Vimeo.

WOW! I haven’t updated since March. I am such a slacker. I did try to do a video blog before leaving for the Philippines however it would not upload for some reason. Yes, the Philippines!! Now, this update will be about the Philippines.

From June 11th to June 26th, I was able to experience the urban environment of Metro Manila in Makati City. I stayed at a place called the Center which was home to several of the pastors of LJBC (Lord Jesus Bible Church) and their families. I went to the Philippines through International Teams, and this is where they placed me after I said I wanted to help with Urban Poor and Youth Ministries. I really can’t express with words how this trip changed me, or should I say how God changed me with this trip. So, here is a list of a few things that I experienced while in the Philippines…

1) Bathed with just a barrel of water and a ladel.
2) Taught kids their ABCs.
3) Went to the Mall of Asia.
4) Helped kids in the Tutor Center.
5) Rode on a motorbike.
6) Rode in a sidecar.
7) Led a Youth Fellowship on a Sunday night. Had some help with translation though.
Had my feet cleaned at a Fish Spa.
9) Went to Youth Visitations to some of the poorer parts of the city.
10) Ate fish that was cooked whole, bone and all. Didn’t eat the bone obviously.
11) Ate some of the sweetest mangoes I have ever had!
12) Stayed overnight at a beach resort that was about 4 hours away. Amazing!!
13) Saw some of Manila’s history. Jose’ Rizal was an inspiration!
14) Went to 2 Sunday services at LJBC, and felt God’s presence in another language. Awesome!
15) Learned some Tagalog words. Gwapo, maganda, makulit, etc.
16) Made some of the closest friends, and know that my other family is those of LJBC!

So, this will be a new post on here, but this has actually been taken from my old blog on Xanga. This post was on January 28th, 2004. I became a Christian on February 15th, 2004. It may seem like a bunch of words, and it is, but I can still feel the gut-wrenching honesty and searching I was venting in these words. Let me know what you think.

Hidden. Transparent. Uneasy. Question. Lies. Doubtful. Shroud. Snow. Drift Away. Reunion. Death. Confront. Never Again. Fear of crying. Inferior. Exterior. Memory. Love. Cold. Music. Confused. Dark. Ice. Blackhole. Sore Muscles. Tattered Heart. Distant. Reaching Out. Guitar Solos. Attached. Surprise. Maturity. Rough. Talent. Quality. Intermix. Hold Hands. Guidance. Rejection. Disappointment. Push away. Wounds. Physical. Purple. Soothing. Rage. Vanity. Screams. Pull Toward. Reality. Insane. Chance. Blood. Shattered Bones. Stupidity. Shallow. Victim. Prey or Predator? Abuse. Max Volume. Wonder. Valley or Mountain? Twisted. Expect. Smoldering. Direction.

And at the time I was calling myself a punk. So, I did the punk thing by writing these on a plain t-shirt with a black sharpie and wore it to school the next day. My friends told me that it was the sh*t, and it was f*cking awesome. I mean because that’s what you do when you’re 16. You cuss because it’s cool, right? I know I certainly did. So, this is just a glimpse of what I used to be like. Feel free to read more entries from my Xanga. You can actually see the transformation of God’s awesome love in the entries after Feburary 15th, 2004 and how I was desperately seeking before.

Sorry about the lag! I look like a really bad Bruce Lee movie, which I watched alot of those growing up. Anyways, please look over that minor detail.

I am such a slacker when it comes to blogging. I’ve been home since the 11th, and haven’t even attempted to blog. However, I have been reading, and doing some writing. And I rearranged my room here at home and basically cleaned it out. I’ve been going to bed at midnight most nights and waking up between 10-12. It’s been pretty nice.

BUT, anyways, I wanted to discuss something that caught my eye when I ate at Zaxby’s over Thanksgiving with my mom. She gave me the receipt for the call number, and this is what my eyes read…

Zaxby’s Mission Statement: “Consistently create encore experiences that enrich lives one person at a time!!”

Wow. A fast food joint that has awesome chicken and wings is striving and working towards something that many Christians have lost sight of (including myself). We can get so wrapped up in making sure everyone has the one perfect experience, that we throw consistency out the window. We want to bring in the next new big thing every Sunday that we don’t recognize some smaller things that do what we need EVERY Sunday. And the other part of this statement, one person at a time. We play the numbers game alot. I agree that attendance is a form of evaluation, but it’s NOT the main one. We’re so eager to bring everyone in that we can lose sight of making them into disciples.

Just some food for thought.

…And some writing of my own…

And everything happened at once.
So many goodbyes in one whisper.
I can’t cry because the well is dry.

Let me fall to my knees, and cry out for you.
Not for love and grace,
but only because of this nagging guilt.
Simply put, an obligation.

When will this cycle end?
This cycle of self pity, selfish motives, and mediocrity…
I need to let go, and lean on you.
My rock over the sand.

So, my Saturday was pretty sweet!

1. Woke up at 7:20ish to go hiking with Brady and Kelly.
2. Our first stop, Bojangles! Cajun filet and sausage biscuits with mayo. Apparently I ruined all that was great in a Cajun filet when I put mayo on it.
3. Traveled to our first stop, Blue Hole Falls while jamming to Justin Timberlake.
4. Got on the trail, and things were going good. Just enjoying God’s creation and awesome friends.
5. Get to the waterfall and begin our trek down. Well, I missed a step and my foot submerged into the very cold water. (Little did we know what was to come…)
6. We’re to the point where we have to shimmy across the rocks beside the waterfall. It was very slippery. And that’s when it happened…
7. I was going slow, but steady. AND then I lost my footing. Conveniently at the steepest part of the slope. I couldn’t stop, and before I knew it, I was chest deep in VERY COLD water.
8. I quickly threw my bag to Brady because my camera was in it. There was no way I was going to have it submerged in the water!
9. Brady and Kelly help me out of the water, trying not to laugh at me.
10. At this point, I am wet, kind of cold, and feeling pretty ridiculous. So, I said a word that just fit the whole situation. And that’s when Brady and Kelly died in laughter. And well, I joined them about a minute afterward. I mean, well, it was pretty funny. (Still is funny…)
11. We took some pictures, and then trek back up the waterfall.
12. It’s going pretty well, and we’re walking up this narrow ledge. Kelly is behind me, and Brady in front of me. Kelly tells me to turn around for a picture. I do, and the ledge gives way more than I wanted, and I almost fall a very long ways. Thankfully, Brady was there and didn’t let me. His response to Kelly, “Don’t tell the wet one to turn around…on a ledge!”
13. We head back up to the car, and go to a small country gas station. Brady bought me a moon pie.
14. Our second designation is Chauga River! And it was truly amazing! My eyes took in the sight, and then I closed them, and let my ears take in that sound of rushing water, and it’s power.
15. I was just enjoying God and his creation, when I hear a “Ah! I’m so awesome!” And I open my eyes to see that Brady had just taken a picture of me. So, then we all decide we’re going to take lots of pictures. Good, goofy, unexpected, whatever.
16. We trek back, and go home.
17. Later in the evening, we go to Just More BBQ, and then downtown Greenville. Katherine and Heather joined us.
18. On the way to Greenville, Brady rapped ALL of Ice, Ice Baby. It was impressive.
19. Tried O’Cha green tea with Kiwi. Shouldn’t have gotten the tapioca balls in it. So, I spent the rest of the night spitting those at Kelly. And she didn’t even know!
20. Came back to my apartment, and me, Kath, Kelly, and Brittany played Kath’s N64! We played 007 Golden Eye and Crusin’ World. It was so great…especially those horns. Ah, inside joke.
21. I had an AWESOME Saturday with some very AWESOME friends.