Unlocking the Doors

In chapel today, we had an addictions counselor, Dr. Coffield come and speak. Automatically I was intrigued because the word addiction always triggers the words, drugs and alcohol. And well, I don’t have a problem with either of those. But, he knew that, and actually discussed idolatry. Despite being quite scatter-brained, his steps toward isolation really hit home.

When we put something before God, we begin to feel guilty about it. So, we decide we are going to buckle down until our knuckles are white, and overcome this idol by ourselves. Obviously, we set ourselves up for failure by trying to defeat it on our own. This causes us to slip into a state of hopelessness until the point in which we become numb to the consequences that come with putting something before God. And since we no longer feel guilty, we get to the point where it becomes embedded into our minds that God won’t and can’t forgive us. It’s at this point we isolate parts of ourselves because we’re so ashamed and think we are the only ones with this problem.

With this it’s pretty plain to see that we can become addicted to more than just drugs, alcohol, or pornography. We can become addicted to our schedules, our busyness, our jobs, etc. And the question is, What if we actually start going to God with our insecurities, our fears, and our deep-rooted problems? What if we start being completely honest with God instead of just giving him our lesser problems? By just giving him “the easy stuff”, we build this false security around ourselves. And so, when something really bad happens, we tend to blame God for it. When in actuality, He has been there the whole time, holding us up.

It just really made me think about my addictions. I can say that I have been addicted to my schedule for a while. I justify my lack of time with God, with having 18 credit hours and 2 jobs. And I, in a way blame God for it because He is the one that called me here to SWU.

Well, also today in my Philosopy class, we discussed determinism and freedom. This concept just really stood out in my mind. If we were completely determined, there wouldn’t be any grace. If my mistakes are pre-destined, then how can I repent and be forgiven? I know that God decided to create me, and in that way I have been determined. I had no way of creating myself in my mother’s womb. And the world around me was determined, I had no control in creating the landscape with the trees, mountains, etc. As small as my freewill may be, it is vitally important. Because if all of my short comings and mistakes were already pre-destined, then what is the use of Godly sorrow? There wouldn’t be any grace, and Jesus dying for our sins would have been pointless.

I am grateful for my free will, and I am grateful for wanting to follow Jesus, and that God is willing to guide me along the way. Point blank, I am nothing without Him.

So, I realize that it’s been almost 2 months since I’ve blogged and that’s crazy! However, there is a reason to my madness aside from being busy with school, work, and all that jazz. I got to thinking about why exactly I blog. Do I do it because I want to get alot of hits and comments to further my supposed popularity in the cyber world? Do I do it so I can appear to have it all together, and seem so nice and neat with how I position my wording? Is it merely a means of keeping people updated who I don’t talk to on a regular basis? Or possibly, maybe I do it just because everyone else is doing it. Is there a bridge in sight that everyone is going to jump off of? And am I going to follow? Or maybe just maybe I come here to this page to express myself, and just let it all out? My method of screaming at the top of my lungs if you will. “What’s going on?! Hey, yeah, yeah. I said hey, What’s going on?” Thank you 4 Non Blondes for your early 90’s 1 hit wonder that just says it right now.

Don’t get me wrong, if there is good news I share that too. Because My God is good, and he is amazing, and I just don’t know what I would do without him! He is my constant. So, if I know all of this then why do I take him for granted? Why do reject him so much, why won’t I let him just hold me?! When did praying become so arkward, forced, and unfamilar? When did the Bible become just another book to me? Where is my awe? Where is my passion? Why is my grip holding so tight to that of the past?

I just finished reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning, and I absolutely loved it. It reminded me that my God loves me. He loves me just for me, not for what I’ve done, and that I need to let him love me in whatever condition I am in. And after that refreshing, it seems I have now twisted Manning’s words into an excuse of being lazy. I’ll just let God do all the work and become completely calloused. No! I don’t want that! I need my blessed assurance, I need my Father! He is all that I need. I say that all the time, that he is all I need. But is he all that I want? The truth is yes. I am in the process of letting what is in my head seep down into my heart. Because he IS good!

Here’s a song that just says it ALL right now.

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me.

“Carried to the Table”- Leeland

This week at camp, we had our Olympics!

Highlights

1) My boys were Team Japan.
2) We designed t-shirts for our team. Some kids wore theirs everyday!
3) I was Mr. Potato Head for The CPTV (Camp Pathway TV) News every morning. My co-anchor was Flarry Larry(Hank my JR counselor) who wore a different hair style everyday.
4) Events were pretty sweet ranging from canoeing relays to an obstacle course.
5) I was the only person to score ZERO on the discus throw aka frisbee toss.
6)  There were 2 Team Awards: Most Team Spirit and Best Sportsmanship.
7) Team JAPAN won both awards!! I am so proud of my boys!
I got a pretty nasty scrape/cut/bruise right above my elbow while on the obstacle course.
9) 8 countries were represented at Camp Pathway.
1) France
2) Canada
3) Switzerland
4) Greece
5) Jamaica
6) Japan…my boys!
7) Italy
St. Kitts

Those were some of the highlights. It was so amazing to watch the kids encourage and cheer each other on. My boys placed 3rd in all the events except for 2. But that didn’t matter to them. They were cheering each other on!! Today was the last day, and a couple of my boys got into a fight. Me and my other counselor Zach decided to sit them down and make it clear to them that we had seen them grow and the attitudes that were developed in Olympic Week needed to carry on for the rest of the summer.  We told them that we loved them and were praying for them daily.

And that’s when something beautiful happened.

One of our boys, Trey whose last day was today asked if we could do a prayer ring.  Besides me and Zach, we had 3 out of 11 boys pray. I was closing us in prayer, I was going strong and that’s when the Holy Spirit moved on me. I broke down in tears.  If you know me, I am not much of a cryer…and I really feel like God is trying to show me otherwise. It really shocked my boys and me. But their response touched me. They hugged me, and told me it was going to be alright.

Until next time!

So, I am not a fan of the Natasha Beddingfield version of this song. But with an acoustic guitar, it’s pretty awesome! I will post more of my summer happenings later this week. Until then!

ALSO, check out their myspace! They’re called Boyce Avenue.

SO, I made a video blog on Tuesday to post up here, and well apparently the wifi connection isn’t fast enough to download it to Youtube. In that case you will have to settle for me writing my thoughts instead of voicing them. With my last post, I was sort of treading water and was seriously about to go under. But that’s when it happened. God made everything connect.

I have been reading alot in the Old Testament especially in Exodus. I love the story of Moses and the Israelites. Moses really did put up with alot, complaining and insecurity. A really low morale. I relate with Moses in the part of my boys like to complain and will push my limits which has sometimes resulted in time-outs and even trips to the office. But I also relate to the Israelites. Stubborn, isolated, SCARED. Why is it so hard to trust God? I’m so easily distracted by everything else in this world.

But, then I preceded to watch none the less Veggie Tales! It was Movie Time for my boys, and we were watching the one about Joshua and the Wall of Jericho. Amongst Larry the Cucumber and Bob the Tomato, God revealed himself to me. You just have to follow directions. You just have to FOLLOW ME.

And a side note, there are 2 Hephzibah boys that have been able to come to camp. And they are really sweet, and awesome! Their names are Langston and Micah. I was playing on the water slide with them and then football.  I wish they were in my group, but we do get to eat meals with them on the weekends.

So, this picture of me is obviously me playing in the sprinklers at Hephzibah and I am obviously having fun. But it also represents that God is my living water and I am having a blast soaking up his presence despite being in the desert!

I am a thorn on your crown that continually pierces your brow.
I make you bleed.
It hurts you, and it hurts me.

Why am I so ashamed of you?
Why?

Where is my passion?
Where is my heart?

Rescue me!

This is where I am at. Fighting with apathy. Struggling with routine. Feeling like I am missing out on something better. Expecting God to move in a mighty way while I simply stay seated. Despite knowing differently, allowing myself to believe that I have been forgotten. I am so messed up! A really BIG mess.

I do love my Jesus, I do.
He is my peace among the chaos.

Guess what blog readers? I am not at the Pizza Hut, but actually in an awesome coffee shop in downtown Macon. It is called The Joshua Cup, and it is a Christian run business. Our married couple friends went exploring and found this place. Pretty exciting right? I think so!

But anyways, I have to say that Week 2 of Camp Pathway went by ultra fast. I was sitting at the sign-out table Friday trying to grasp the fact that Friday had already come. I had post camp duties for Week 2 as well, and I will have them again for week 3, and my boss told me that I will have them for Week 4 too. I really don’t mind post camp hours. I don’t have to be there until 9:00am. And working to 6:00pm isn’t so bad because I work the sign-out table.

The one thing that just amazes me about my boys is their creativity. Our schedules vary week to week, and sometimes it results in 2-3 hours of Gym time. Which translates into 25 balls of all kinds coming at you from all directions while 2 of your kids are tugging on one hand wanting to tattle tell on someone while another one jumps on your back from nowhere and won’t let go, and all the while you have to keep an eye on everyone. Quite an adrenaline rush.

But anyways, back to their creativity! 2 of my boys, Carlos and Sammy found a barstool and a kickball. The game was simple, but so entertaining. The barstool went in the middle and one person controlled the barstool. The other 2 people stood in front of the stool, like monkey in the middle. Well, the object was to bounce the ball on the stool to the other person. It could only bounce on the stool. The person in the middle could make the stool wobble and shake as much as they wanted. Pretty sweet game for 8-9 year olds!

My boys make me laugh so much! They’re just so..goofy. Which is great for me because well I’m pretty goofy myself. My JR counselor is Hank, and the boys look up to him so much. He’s 15 and a soccer star yet so respectful and mature for his age. Which the boys call us, Mr. Hank and Miss Liz. And I have to admit, I’ve grown to really like being called that. I realize it is a sign of authority and respect, but also a sign that we care enough to be these boys’ mentors and not just their friends. And it’s goes without saying that these boys will test you, they want to see how serious you really are. And the result has been time-out from the pool and other things. I mean business, and I can see the boys respect that even though it seems lining up is the biggest challenge for us.

Something I have had to get used to is using a microphone. I’ve never really had a reason to use one constantly, but in the mornings before we separate into our activities, we have Song time. Usually the volunteers that come to help at Hephzibah are in charge of Song time. But since, we didn’t have any this week, it was up to the counselors. Well…the 2 camp songs I know by heart are The Fast Food Song and Tarzan. Soooo, I was up there singing those songs. Granted, they both have motions so the microphone use was limited. That was until we decided to sing Every Move I Make. And since the other counselors knew the motions to that, I was chosen to sing it…into the microphone. I didn’t have to deal with my insecurity, I just had it do it. And I became quite comfortable with it which I am grateful for. Because these boys, and all the kids in general really do look up to you in every single aspect.

Right now, I’m pretty sure my boys think I am the biggest dork ever, but they also see that they are my whole world this summer. To top off me being a dork is my infamous Mr. Potato Head costume. This week’s theme was Holidays and Friday was Valentine’s Day. So, we decided to do a skit and well, I wore my costume. Best 3 bucks I have ever spent! I tried to wear it all day, but it just got too hot. The kids loved it though.

On a random note, I have these Turbo Jam DVDs and us 3 girls that live on campus have decided to work out Monday through Friday after camp. We are doing the Booty Sculpt and Ab workout. Laugh if you will, but it’s 30 minutes of working out and girl time. And we’re feeling it!

I realize this blog has become kind of long and probably will seem scattered, but I am just typing as my brain processes. With doing devotions with the boys everyday, I feel like I’ve been placing certain expectations on God and them. That they’re just supposed to understand that God loves them. End of story. But obviously, there’s so much more to Him than that! God cannot fit into a box, and to try to describe him rationally to a 8-9 year old is almost impossible. But, that’s what makes him so great. Because while my flesh gets in the way, he shines through in other ways. Whether it’s when I take time with each kid to either throw them in the pool or spin them around, He shines!!

Psalm 66:20
“Praise be to God who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me.”

Until next time!

Here I am again, typing my thoughts from the Pizza Hut with free wi-fi down the road. The first week of camp is officially over, and let’s just say I have already gotten more of a tan than I had all summer last year. I have also yelled more in just 5 days than I have in my entire life. I have an average of 10-12 boys all between the ages of 8 and 9. They all have their different personalities and come from very different home lives. It ranges from the whiner who complains about everything to the quiet loner. Also, from 2 consistent parents that love their son dearly to a single mother that watched (with her son), her son’s father kill her fiancee’ in cold blood.

The boy that watched his father kill his future stepfather always wants to be close to me, and it just breaks my heart completely. Another thing that broke my heart was during devotions today, I was taking prayer requests and another boy wanted to pray for a Daddy because he never had one. 

All this week, we have been singing a fun kiddy song that basically goes, “Hey! Jesus loves me!” over and over again. It didn’t hit me until today. HEY! JESUS LOVES ME! Jesus loves me just the way he created me, and will continue to love me as I grow into the disciple he wants me to be.

I have always had a problem with not seeing results. If I don’t see a kid changed by the power of Christ, then I tend to think of myself as a complete failure. But, God kindly reminded me this week that RESULTS were his business, not mine. I may never see the seed I plant grow into fruit, but I have to be content with the fact that I have the opportunity to plant the seed! 

Until next time!  

This blog is coming to you from a tiny Pizza Hut connected to a Shell gas station about 2 minutes away from the Hephzibah home. They have free Wi-fi.  So now, you all know I made it to Macon, GA in one piece! This past week was training week with things such as getting familiar with the grounds, schedules, duties, and becoming CPR and First Aid certified.

I am one of the four counselors living on the grounds. Everyone else is from the Macon area. And let me tell you, coming here I thought I was going to be living in a mobile home or a basement apartment all summer…well let’s just say they are letting us live in the newest apartments on the grounds! They were made for independent living for teen parents, but haven’t been approved by the State of GA yet. Apparently, you have to build your building first and then get it approved with Georgia laws. I am sharing a room with Kelsey who is from Indiana, and then Sarah also lives with us, but she works on the farm. Sarah actually was a Hephzibah kid before she got adopted at 17. Rob and Stephanie are the married couple that live above us, and go to Bethany Bible College with Rob being from Iowa and Stephanie from Canada.

So, besides Sarah I am really the only southern girl with on campus counselors, and none of them have eaten Zaxby’s before, so they’re going to get cultured this summer!  But, as for Camp Pathway, we start on Monday! There are more girl counselors than guys, but more boy campers than girls. With that situation, my group is the 8-9 year old boys and my junior counselor is Hank who is 15. There are 2 shifts to work depending if you do pre or post camp. I am scheduled for post camp this week so my hours will be 9AM to 6PM everyday. Pre-camp hours are 7AM to 4PM. 

One of our activites is archery, so I am going to get really good at shooting a bow and arrow. And canoeing is another, and on Thursday the counselors took turns on the pond with the canoes. I forgot how much I love steering it by sitting in the back.

God is digging deep in me and I am praying that he continues to do so. We had a group of volunteers come in from Indiana and they led our devotions in the morning before training started. They had a guy leading worship for us, and he was a really cool guy. On the first day, he taught us a song that he wrote and wow, the one line that really got me was, “I want to praise you in EVERYTHING I do.” As simple as it sounds, it just really hit home. It’s so easy to fall into what I consider casual Christianity. I want to just praise him in EVERYTHING I do!

By the way, the guy leading worship, his name is Adam Cappa. Lead singer and guitartist of The Adam Cappa Band. Be sure to check those guys out!! Adam gave me a free copy of his CD, and he says that I am his unofficial contact in the South. They haven’t really toured down here, so we will see how that goes. But anyways, if you read this, please pray for Camp Pathway. Until next time!       

First off, congrats to Hank and Kristie! Mr. and Mrs. Brooks. The wedding was lots of fun, and it was great hanging out with some friends and dancing like nobody’s business! It also was a deep realization that college is another stepping stone before going separate ways to continue about life’s way. Later tonight, I am going to hang out with Charlotte who leaves for Japan on June 1st! She’s not sure how long she will be there, but it’s just a punch in the gut because I graduate in a year and a half and I have to start thinking about that sort of thing. (CONGRATS Char, I am so proud of you!)

Btw, while I am typing this, Amanda is practicing for church tomorrow, and she sounds awesome. Almost like my own personal concert. Anyways, back to my thoughts…

Matt and Deborah were there last night, and it was awesome to see them! Which brings me back to my point. Even though we’re in different places, when we reunite, everything just comes back together, and it’s like you had just seen them the day before. Because when you connect with someone on such an intimate level, you always carry them in your heart. And when you see them again, you know that you’ve obviously missed that person terribly, but you get to see them, and the time frame of however long it was without seeing each other tends to vanish. Just so you know Deb…I LOVE YOU! You will always be my AP.

Tomorrow I leave for GA after church. It’s the first time I’ve driven somewhere that I’ve never been before by myself. Slightly intimidating, but overall I’m pretty dang excited! My van is all packed up, and I am ready to go. I am not sure of the internet situation at Hephzibah, but I will try to update as often as I can over the summer.

For people that love trying out new music, take a listen to JJ Heller! She’s amazing!